Nether-hit me hard

Worst. Day. Ever. 

I finally hit rock bottom. I thought I could keep on going with a smile on my face, and how my patience seemed unlimited. I haven't kept a negative thought in my head for more than 3 seconds, but now it seems that I cannot get the negative thoughts out of my head. 

I love teaching. It has nothing to do with teaching or my students. It has everything to do with teaching in a school where they teach in a different language. I thought that I could go on not learning Dutch, and ignoring the Dutch comments that my students had about me. 

Well, as it turns out, I finally broke down. My thick skin finally broke and left me bare. I was teaching my 1mh2 class when suddenly the students went crazy because a student said something about me in Dutch. I didn't catch it because I didn't understand and I told the class that I would handle it after class. 

When I handled it after class, the student had a hard time expressing me his thoughts and comments in English so I had my overseas coordinator translate for me. That's when I felt my own faults of not trying to learn Dutch and it hit me hard. I was at a disadvantage yet again. Apparently the students were talking about "my voice being horny while teaching" (which makes no sense at all) and also how I'm apparently having sex with a biology teacher (I don't know where they got that since I don't hang out with any of the teachers outside of the school). 

The biology teacher approached me about what the students were saying, and asked how they could have come up with it, and I answered him with an "I don't even know." 

How awful and awkward. 


I broke down, Cried my eyes out because I was so upset. 


I couldn't pull myself together.....I was so frustrated at myself, upset that I had no idea what was being said all around me. 


Oh God. what happened?


Thankfully, I had my small group meeting today to help me focus on the important things, and what God has in store for me. I can't give up now even though I really want to. I've given my all to this student teaching experience, and I feel that my payment was students cursing me out in Dutch. As much as I want to call it quits, I know I can't.


I also haven't been able to find a job back in the US, and it disappoints me so much since I've tried to do everything to make sure I stand out. It's frustrating. 


And it also hit me that I might lose one of the most important people in my life because of my dishonesty. 


Ugh. 


Other things: 
- taught my 4h4: amazing lesson plan, not such a great lesson
- taught my steunclas: review 
- my mentor teachers are the greatest
- :(